WARNING-Longest post ever! Just feeling chatty today I guess!
Nothing in particular happened to warrant this post…It’s just that being a mom can be totally overwhelming somedays. Usually it happens in the morning when I’m trying to get all 3 of us out the door so that I can get to work…late…as always. I haven’t been on time to work in forever! Or sometimes its during the nighttime routine and nobody wants to go to bed or brush their teeth.
I just want to be a good mom! Really...that's my biggest goal in life. I want to raise two happy, healthy, independent, respectful children. Some days I'm totally at a loss as to how you are supposed to know what the "right" thing to do is!
I feel like I totally failed in some respects of raising my kids. Luckily, they are still young and I am doing my best to "Do my best" and I don’t think I’ve totally ruined them…yet! Nothing has gone the way I “planned” in my life…but that by no means is a bad thing…it’s just the truth. I’m a planner…but if I get thrown off course, I can steer my way back pretty well.
For those of you that don't personally know me, Chasey was born 9 weeks early. She was 3 lbs 12 oz and spent almost 6 weeks in the NICU. She was SO fragile and I did everything in my power to keep her from getting sick and held her every second of every day and never let her become independent. It didn't help that every time she would cry, my ex (her dad) would get annoyed so I would pick her up and NEVER let her cry. That is one thing I look back at and just can't believe how much I sacrificed of myself and of Chasey to make sure HE was happy all the time. (still bitter about that...but that's the past...no more eggshells to walk on...whew!) She never even held her own bottle until she was about 18 months old!! Crazy! She shouldn't have been drinking out of a bottle at 18 months old, but another place that I let her have anything and everything that she wanted so another FAIL.
I was a stay at home/work at home mom for the first 3 1/2 years of Chasey's life. The only time she was watched by anyone was when she went to my aunts house or her Grandmas house. She was spoiled. No doubt about it. I tried to put her in preschool/daycare when she was 2 1/2 so that I could work at home (I started a business during the first few years of her life and it was hard with her at home sometimes). After 2 weeks of non-stop crying while she was at school...she was KICKED OUT! Yes...My child was KICKED out of preschool! I didn't even know that was possible! Looking back, it's actually kind of funny and it was best for everyone since she made the other kids upset with her non-stop crying!
Chasey went back to going to my aunts a couple of days a week and she loved it there...but then again she was the ONLY kid, got 100% attention and was spoiled rotten.
The day before Chasey turned 2 years old, I found out I was pregnant! I had NO intentions of getting pregnant because my marriage was already in shambles...AND we were about to launch our business and the last thing I needed was morning sickness...but...life doesn't always happen the way you planned!
I'll save many of the details for future posts..like the details about how when I was 6 months pregnant with Cash that my husband told me he was done...WHAT? REALLY? How do you tell a 6 month pregnant woman that you are done with her? After 13 1/2 years together? Holy crap...I thought my world was ending....(looking back...it was just the beginning of a REAL life and I have actually thanked him for letting me go...in a smartass way, but I meant it).
Sometimes I think I’ve failed with Chasey…but then…I have a morning where I realize that she has grown up to be such a sweet, amazing little girl. Even with all the chaos in her life…prematurity, a new brother, divorce, getting thrown into full time daycare because Mommy had to go back to work full time, moving from the “brown house” that she did not want to leave, adjusting to life with James and I and only seeing her daddy every other weekend.
Chasey turned 5 in December...I dropped her off at pre-school this morning...she gave me a big hug and a kiss...then another hug and another kiss...and went out to play with the other kids. She's a big girl now. Learning to be independent, learning to respect others around her, learning how to share with her little brother, her "little buddy" as we all call him. The poor child has been through SO much in her short life, but honestly....I think the second 2 1/2 years of her life, she has grown into such an amazing little person. It wasn't by choice, but my 100% focus in life shifted from her when I thought my world was collapsing around me and looking back, I don't think this was a bad thing.
I am a FIRM believer in the "you should never stay together for the kids" mentality...Now more than ever. Co-parenting is extremely difficult and sometimes I can't stand that this is where we've ended up...but then I realize how much I've grown, how far I've come and how much of a better mom I am to them now because I am happy! They see that a woman should be independent, that a woman should not live her life for everyone around her and she should have priorities of her own. They now see that a mom should have her own opinions and not get lost in the "don't make dad mad" life.
So...with the help of my amazing boyfriend...we have the kids 85% of the time. He was married once before, but never had kids. He has stepped into his role as "father figure" so amazingly well. The kids love him. Chasey...of course...gives him attitude sometimes. But then turns around and smothers him with hugs and kisses and I love you's. Cash knows no life other than "Mommy & James" and "Daddy". To Cash, this is normal. He knows nothing else. James is helping me to raise these 2 crazy, silly, funny kids. We just try to have fun. We give the kids freedom to be kids...we let them get dirty, we let them eat candy sometimes and drink soda as a special treat when we are out to dinner. We discipline when necessary and definitely have rules. We talk about travelling with the kids and showing America to them…(and me..considering I really haven’t ventured too far from Southern California and Southern Illinois), we talk about the big yard that we want (we live in Southern California…land is at a PREMIUM here), we talk about our future. It’s so nice to have someone that wants to raise these 2 crazy little monsters with me…rather than someone that stood by while I did all the raising and he was just “there.”
And…because no post is complete without a cute picture….here is that crazy little 5 year old…for the 5 thousandth time!
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