Got it off my chest....

I’m the worst communicator! It’s actually VERY surprising to the people that know me well because I really don’t shut up…but when it comes to talking about ANYTHING serious I clam up…I just don’t deal with it and I hope it goes away. I did this for 13 ½ years with my ex…When I would have anything to say that I knew might make him a little mad or upset him, I just didn’t deal with it. Occasionally I would write him a letter….Yes…I would write him a letter and sit there with him while he would read it! I know! I know…so childish…but if I didn’t I would NEVER say all the things I wanted to say. I would start and then forget all the important parts. I gave him one of these “letters” about 4 months before we got married. It was about how I felt that we were getting married because we were “supposed” to…because we had been together for 8 years and that’s just what you do. Turns out, I was right….but…no regrets! I have two amazing little people because we did move forward with our marriage so…I’m ok with all of that. But…crazy how you just KNOW! I really did and I went through with it anyways….I wonder how many other brides walk down the aisle not being completely 100% sure that what they are doing is the right thing to do?

So…the point of all this…is that I’m REALLY REALLY trying to get better about communicating! James is amazing with helping me learn how to communicate and if he does something that makes me mad…I usually hold it in for a little bit (like a few hours) and then I just let him have it. He’s really funny when I do this because he knows how hard it is for me to even get the words out. He almost always has an explanation for whatever and he always apologizes for whatever it was…it’s usually something stupid, but he appreciates that I let him know that he said or did something that really bothered me. Example…we were out to dinner one night with another couple. James made a comment about OUR bed….being HIS bed (because it was his before I moved in)…so stupid I know…but it really hurt. He ASKED me to move in…He WANTED me and the kids to live there with him…..He didn’t even realize that I would take it like that and once we got home I told him how I felt (through streaming tears)…and he felt so bad and gave me a huge hug and made me laugh!

My ex drives me nuts…we do get along…but ONLY because I am so non-confrontational and I let him get away with ANYTHING! I know…I’m a total pushover, but it’s just how I am…I’m trying to be better….The fact that he ONLY sees the kids when he is obligated to do so (every other weekend) has really been bothering me lately. He’s pretty good about taking them on a weeknight here or there if I ASK…and ONLY if I have something going on and I ask him to take them. He does come to Chasey’s gymnastics practice for about 45 minutes every week, but it’s down the street from his house and I don’t really count that as quality time….So yesterday, he stopped by my work to pick up some papers from me and although my stomach was in KNOTS just knowing that I wanted to say something to him….I told him how I felt!! I told him that someday his kids are going to realize that he LIVES with his girlfriend and her FOUR kids, but yet he ONLY sees Chasey and Cash every other weekend! And….this is the part that blows me away…he goes the WHOLE 12 days between “his” weekends without even seeing them! He calls almost every day…but we live 10 minutes from him….He could come get them anytime…take them to the park…to dinner…have them come spend the night….Of course he had excuses when I confronted him, but at least I said something and it felt SOOOO good! Now maybe my nagging voice will at least be in the back of his mind. Trust me…it’s not that I want my kids any less than I have them now…I work full time and I enjoy my time with them…but I don’t want them to grow up resenting their dad for not spending more time with them!

So…there’s my ramble for the week….here’s a really cute picture I found yesterday of back when C&C were little! It’s my background on my computer right now! I just love the smile on Cash’s face! I think he was about 4 or 5 months old there and Chasey wasn’t even 3!


Happy Wednesday my friends!